What have we done?

This was my resounding mantra in the weeks leading up to the birth of our first baby; a beautiful baby girl who arrived at 7:57am on March 5th 2009 - Emerson Poppy.

Let me tell you a little about me and why I started writing this blog. I am 31 years old and have ALWAYS wanted a family and have ALWAYS loved babies. My husband and I got married in 2001 in the South of France in the most intimate beautiful wedding ever. We spent the next years traveling to Tuscany, Tortola, Turks & Caicos, and all over the USA. We bought our first condo in Santa Monica and we opened two private practices for my husband (he is a physical therapist.) We spent our weekends scouting out new great restaurants, having cheese and wine Sunday nights, riding our bikes to the beach and just completely loving life and enjoying each other.

In 2007 we decided that we were getting to the age that we should start thinking about a family; we did not want to be 50yrs old and have a newborn and we wanted more than one child (HA!! we had noooo idea) so we thought we should get trying . . . . . . . wow, if I could go back to that version of me and give her a few snip-its of what it would be like!

Well it took us 8 months to get pregnant and the horrible thing about that is that you dont know if you can until you try but once you try and you get pregnant you can't go back and say "Ok, timeout honey, we can get pregnant so let's just wait another 2yrs and do some other things we want to first" . . . . no!!! once you are, you ARE!! . . . . I got pregnant June 2008 and as fast as I found out, was as fast as I freaked out and thought "WHAT HAVE WE DONE?"

Hence the reason for my blog - there were so MANY things during my pregnancy that were happening to me that was not really explained in any books I was reading. I wanted to relate to someone and know that everything I felt and did not feel was normal. And now after my c-section and the arrival of Emerson I REALLY need to relate to others that are going thru the same thing! Some days I feel so incredibly lost and vulnerable and other days I feel "slightly" better . . . . nothing I read allows me to feel okay about my feelings or in some cases, lack of. I desperately need to feel like I am not a bad person, or worse a bad mother, for having this emotional rollercoaster thru motherhood.

So I am using this blog as a self-help diary as I go through this unknown, mysterious, sleeplessness and sometimes scary journey of "motherhood" - whatever that means? Join me and we can cry and laugh and feel bewildered together!

I PROMISE this will be entertaining.